I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
