i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
