I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Randomize
