My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
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