You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
