i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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