My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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