my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
