He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize