so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Randomize
