can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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