I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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