I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
