How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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