i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
