Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
