At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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