last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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