...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
