A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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