we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize