Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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