Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
