he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize