I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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