I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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