so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
