why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
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