i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We left the knife in your bed.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
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