tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize