3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Randomize
