Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
