Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
no, he came in my armpit
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
