I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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