I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
