I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
