Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
