proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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