I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
