he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
