Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
