i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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