well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
