When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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