I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
