why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
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