she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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