My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
