I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Randomize
