I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
