upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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