Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
