During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
