i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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