If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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