walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
