I have demons in me.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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