i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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