Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
