At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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