come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
