I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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